monkey sex is raunchy but so not hot.

yesterday morning i was iced inside my house and was forced to watch the discovery channel. there was this show on about tarsiers, which look like lemurs but supposedly aren't. supposedly.

i wasn't so excited about the tarsiers--do lemur wannabes really deserve their own spot on the discovery channel?--until it got to the part where they mate once a year under the full moon. it sounded kind of romantic, sort of, and i was all about finally! seeing some actual hot raunchy monkey sex.

much to my dismay, the tarsier has taken all the hot out of one of my favorite phrases. tarsier mating goes something like this:

the female jumps from tree to tree and the male follows. the female tarsier, she looks really uninterested. once she gets tired of jumping and has resigned herself to being boinked by the male, she gives up and hangs on to a limb for dear life.

(cue porn music. the discovery channel added in boom-chicka-boom-boom music to make it seem more....realistic?)

then the male starts licking her. this is the part where i began screaming "ew ew ew!"--but i couldn't stop watching if only because i needed to report back to you people about the realities of monkey sex. thankfully, the tarsiers were almost done.

after ten or so seconds (of nasty monkey foreplay? yuck) that seemed much longer than they actually were, the male does his thing for about four more awful, thrusting seconds and then he's done. mission accomplished, but he wanted more. the female smacked him on the head repeatedly--that was my favorite part--until he left her alone. in all, i only had to scream ew! for about 15 or 20 seconds.

by the way, male tariser penis is very small.