ode to despair.*
i wrote a long post about my dying grandmother but decided that several paragraphs about death? was way too depressing (so i'm opting for a couple of not-too-long paragraphs instead because that's clearly better). my original post was amusing in a very tragic sort of way, but still. it was hard to write and was making me sound and feel like a horrible person when i said things like this: SHE NEEDS TO JUST DIE ALREADY. see, that sounds awful now, too, but that doesn't make it any less true. sometimes sick people need to die because the alternative is much too painful. she's old and ill and is only getting worse but she's stubborn as hell. the doctors and my family have suggested this is the only reason she's still alive. in this case that's not a good thing because this crap is just dragging on and getting worse and oh my god i don't want to get old. when i tell my mom this she says, let this be a lesson. take care of yourself now so you don't have to go through this later. word.
my grandma, she refused to go to the doctor for years (she didn't want to know if anything was wrong) and then once she went to the doctor she refused to take her medication (she didn't think she needed meds) and on top of that she smoked for 50 years (and spent the last 10 of those years sneaking around smoking because she told my grandfather she had quit). see? kinda funny but tragic in the end! i mean, it's almost unforgivable to take an ailing old person and be like, you did this to yourself. that's not right. no one says that to her. this was all avoidable though. i love my grandma and she's had a good life--the first 80 years treated her well--but now the situation is reminiscent of this:
just sayin'.
so i have an interview on monday for a job that i have mixed feelings about. i'm confident i can get the job because i have more than adequate experience for it, but it's doing something i don't really like doing. it kind of sounds like i'm alluding to stripping or prostitution or something equally demeaning (but profitable!). but really this job--which is sort of demeaning only because i hate paper and inefficiency and this is a government job so there are excruciating amounts of both--involves lots of paper and moving it around and then spending time, in between dealing with the paper pushing, thinking about my life slipping away. i know this because i've done it before. it drove me to grad school so i wouldn't have to have jobs like this anymore, and grad school ended in divorce and you know what that means? JOBS LIKE THIS TEAR FAMILIES APART.
but the thing is that i can't really be irritated about having an interview for this particular job because i was the one who, um, applied for the job in the first place. i think at the time i was thinking, i'm qualified to do this! and not, i want to do this! a couple of weeks ago i changed the direction my job search was going and actually started applying for jobs i wanted to have. novel, that. something finally clicked and i realized i didn't have to have a job i disliked. well, except now i really do need a job and if i'm offered this one it would be rather stupid to pass it up. it's a permanent job with benefits and i can't argue with that. also, the salary is negotiable so if they offer me the job i'll ask for more money than they're offering. can't hurt.
and this because it sums up the above quite nicely:
*ETA: as in the website, not the feeling. i'm not that histrionic.
my grandma, she refused to go to the doctor for years (she didn't want to know if anything was wrong) and then once she went to the doctor she refused to take her medication (she didn't think she needed meds) and on top of that she smoked for 50 years (and spent the last 10 of those years sneaking around smoking because she told my grandfather she had quit). see? kinda funny but tragic in the end! i mean, it's almost unforgivable to take an ailing old person and be like, you did this to yourself. that's not right. no one says that to her. this was all avoidable though. i love my grandma and she's had a good life--the first 80 years treated her well--but now the situation is reminiscent of this:
just sayin'.
so i have an interview on monday for a job that i have mixed feelings about. i'm confident i can get the job because i have more than adequate experience for it, but it's doing something i don't really like doing. it kind of sounds like i'm alluding to stripping or prostitution or something equally demeaning (but profitable!). but really this job--which is sort of demeaning only because i hate paper and inefficiency and this is a government job so there are excruciating amounts of both--involves lots of paper and moving it around and then spending time, in between dealing with the paper pushing, thinking about my life slipping away. i know this because i've done it before. it drove me to grad school so i wouldn't have to have jobs like this anymore, and grad school ended in divorce and you know what that means? JOBS LIKE THIS TEAR FAMILIES APART.
but the thing is that i can't really be irritated about having an interview for this particular job because i was the one who, um, applied for the job in the first place. i think at the time i was thinking, i'm qualified to do this! and not, i want to do this! a couple of weeks ago i changed the direction my job search was going and actually started applying for jobs i wanted to have. novel, that. something finally clicked and i realized i didn't have to have a job i disliked. well, except now i really do need a job and if i'm offered this one it would be rather stupid to pass it up. it's a permanent job with benefits and i can't argue with that. also, the salary is negotiable so if they offer me the job i'll ask for more money than they're offering. can't hurt.
and this because it sums up the above quite nicely:
*ETA: as in the website, not the feeling. i'm not that histrionic.
posted by sarah at 7:38 AM
2 Comments:
family. oiy.
most of my family in the midwest smokes. my father quit after smoking for 40 years but only AFTER he had a massive, massive heart attack. And he still supports other people who smoke. I don't get it, he's a smart man too. denial, i reckon.
when i was about to leave my desk job (about 8 months before) I started to blog full time with my office door closed and that turned into the company my sister and I started. although, we aren't raking in the dough like we would hope. (thanks for the crappy economy bush)
So, see, you can make the most of the job, just use it for the money until something else comes along. right a novel or something - like a page a day. oh, oh. start a novel blog that we can read. that would be fun.
i've been awake for about 3 seconds so forgive me if i don't make any sense right now.
and spent the last 10 of those years sneaking around smoking because she told my grandfather she had quit
Whoa. Just....whoa. I don't think I've ever heard of someone managing to pull this off for 10 years.
Ya know, when my dad was dying, I really felt the same way. He drank so much in his youth, that I kinda felt like he had it coming with the liver cancer and all...sigh.
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