to the woman who keeps calling the wrong number.

dear monica,

thank you for leaving that long message on my voice mail last week. i now know that your name is monica, so when i tell the story about the woman who keeps calling my cell phone and won't leave me alone i know how to address you. i no longer have to call you "that woman" or "psycho lady who can't understand she's calling the wrong number." sadly, since my cell phone is never on, i didn't get your latest delightfully crude message until today. it totally made my day even though it scared me kind of a lot.

at first i thought you were calling me on accident. i mean, you are, but you're having a hard time grasping that fact. i assumed after the first time you left a message and i didn't return your call, you would realize your mistake. and then that one day that i was at the movies with my friends you called five times and left a couple of urgent! voice mails. honestly, i didn't know you could leave an urgent voice mail and i was mildly freaked out that maybe there was an emergency with someone i know, but no. you again. you wanted to know why i wasn't returning your calls. and i thought, hmmm, next time this woman calls i need to tell her she has the wrong number.

miraculously, or perhaps not since you call me every five minutes anyway, right after i had that thought the phone rang. and it was you! i politely explained you had the wrong number. you said you were sorry, i hung up the phone, and it immediately rang again. i don't know why you felt the need to bitch me out that second time; after all, you were the person making the mistake and hadn't we just gone over the part where you were calling the wrong number? all i did was answer my phone when you called me. again.

i'm not sure why you argued with me that my cell phone number couldn't possibly be my number even though it quite clearly belongs to me (isn't that the source of the problem?). you said that a year and a half ago my number belonged to the person you were trying to reach, and it seemed to set you over the edge when i told you i've had this number for two years. you were so insistent that i actually doubted for a moment that my cell phone number was mine! you insinuated that i had stolen the phone from whoever you thought was supposed to have it. how crazy is that?

i hate arguing, by the way, but your allegations were so ridiculous that i had to defend myself. it was only after the end of that call that i realized maybe you were dialing the right number with the wrong area code. no way in hell was i going to call you back to tell you that, though. i tried, but it's not my responsibility to make you understand; it's obviously a difficult task and not one i feel like undertaking.

that argument a month ago with you, the insane stranger, is why i turned off my cell phone and haven't turned it on since. and today, when i was expecting a call and turned it on and saw that hey! i have a voice mail, i had completely forgotten about you. but there you were. you didn't forget me!

i listened to your message--yep, the entire thing--and would like to set a few things straight:

*you still have the wrong number
*my name is not kim
*i am not a bitch ass ho, nor am i doing bitch ass ho shit
*i did not accuse you of stealing my food
*we have never eaten sausage together, or any meal for that matter
*i am not trying to break up you and floyd
*i am not a fucking n*****
*if you are going to say such awful things in a voice mail, make sure you have the right number.

also, my voice mail only records a message for three minutes or so and you got cut off after that truly horrible thing you said above. that was alright because by that time i got the gist of your complaint. i'm still sort of amazed that you managed to be angry for that long on the phone. me, i would have started to feel silly--and perhaps regretful--leaving this message right around the bitch ass ho bit.

monica, you scare me. if i were kim (i'm not!) i would be very afraid and probably change my phone number. but that's just me. i don't like confrontation. so please quit calling me, because i'm afraid that if i accidentally answer the phone next time you call, you're going to make me cry. and then i'm going to have to change my number anyway. much to my friends' dismay i already dislike my cell phone and rarely use it. please don't make me have to get rid of it.

sincerely,
the wrong number

ps--i hope you don't know where i live. you might insist that someone you know used to live at this address and that could only mean one thing: i stole their identity.