transcendence.

i'm really going to regret being in the habit of staying awake until 3 a.m. and sleeping until noon when my 8 a.m. classes start next week.

meanwhile, i'm waiting for the bad feelings to go away. i sekritly hope they'll sneak out the window one night while i'm asleep, but no. there seems to be a fine line between dealing with everything and staying busy so i don't have to think unpleasant thoughts, and i don't know how to achieve a balance between what seems to be avoidance and wallowing in self pity. i should probably do whatever seems okay, but right now nothing seems okay, and that? that just sounds like i'm being whiny again. i wish i could fast forward a few years, wake up one day when i'm 30 and magically have all this shit figured out. i have goals i'd like to meet by then, the perhaps most important one having to do with avoiding becoming emotionally invested in relationships that aren't viable. i am so done with that.

retail therapy, and then some.

i have been on a spending spree of late that i would feel bad about if i didn't actually need everything i've purchased. the weather got hot--so very hot--and i realized i lack the appropriate clothing for dealing with the god awful heat, and nothing fits anymore anyway which could only mean it's obviously time to buy new clothes. yesterday i bought pants that very cleverly convert to capris. today: shirts, shoes, therapy, a cookie, and a trip to victoria's secret, where i learned that my bras don't fit right lately because apparently the weight i've lost was subtracted straight from my boobs. an entire cup size is gone! that's like a handful! that's unacceptable! the one thing that has remained a constant in the past decade is my bra size and now that that's gone i don't know what to believe anymore. oh, the betrayal.

in other news, one of my roommates is on a mission to get me to drink, among other things. he just poured me a glass of wine even though i'm all i'm not going to drink it and he's like, drink it you need to chill out. point taken, but still. it's sitting next to me and under normal circumstances i would worry that the wine would go to waste, but i'm sure lush boy won't let that happen. he's resourceful like that. although: my ability to withstand peer pressure is seriously waning and if anyone can talk me into drinking or smoking anything, it likely will be the lush roommate.

don't waste the pretty.

i'm back in town and i have my room back (yay!). dude that i'm subletting from left today for italy and has offered to sleep on the couch when he returns in mid-june (before he moves out for good) in an effort not to kick me out of his/my room again. that's sweet of him and he's actually kind of hot, really, and i think the hotness and the sweetness are all a result of the italianness. so is the pasta and sausage eating. did i mention the hotness? and the motorcycle? and the pretty hair? anyhow, the point is that this works out v. well for me because now i don't have to worry about being displaced again; i only have to worry about feeling guilty that he's sleeping on the couch and i'm sleeping in his bed.

i recently realized that i begin way too many sentences with, "the fucking cat..." followed by whatever horrible act the cat just committed. today: he peed on the stove again, so i tossed him out in the backyard--it was rather satisfying--where he stayed the rest of the day and, contrary to shannon's prediction, managed to survive. he's rather screamy about being outside, but whatever. cat needs to learn to deal.

also, i'm almost positive that the being ignored bit that i've complained about so much lately is totally going to be a prolonged thing and is also a quiet--though effective, i admit--way of telling me to just go away i don't ever want to talk to you again. i mean, i assume that's what the not talking to me is all about but it's hard to tell considering the blatant lack of communication on the part of the uncommunicative party. it's rather awesome, really--and by awesome i mean it inspires awe and not that it's a good thing. in addition to awe, this particular tactic is inspiring all sorts of other emotions, none of which could be considered very positive, but awe is up there on the list. i definitely deserve better treatment than this. even being told to fuck off would be preferable, since at least then i would know where i stand.

in keeping with the addiction theme.

i miss austin. i even miss austin drivers. i especially miss austin drivers, because they know all about how the big numbers on the speed limit sign correspond to the little numbers on the speedometer and what that means in practical terms when they're behind the wheel of a car.

i'll be home saturday, so all good.

at one point today i was hanging out with my parents and trying not to cry, so they tried to cheer me up by handing me a wad of cash and also replacing the tires on my car and then taking me out for a drink (they're kind of being really cool right now). i know, i know, i don't drink, but my parents apparently don't believe me every time i tell them that, so i had to explain yet again that no, really, i don't drink at all, and they were like, not ever? and i was all, no, not ever. and they were like, huh. as if we hadn't had this conversation a dozen times before. since i'm incredibly grateful that they bought me new tires i'm not reeely complaining, i'm only making an observation about the lack of attention they've paid to this same conversation we've had many times in the past and undoubtedly will continue to have in the future.

last week when i told someone i go to school with that i don't drink or smoke, her response was, so what do you DO? and i was like, fuck me i'm tired of answering this question and surely i'm not that freaking weird just beacause i don't DRINK so quit giving me that LOOK like i'm a freak. i feel like i need to have it tattooed on my forehead or something, perhaps followed by a list of activities i do engage in that don't involve alcohol just to prove that i'm still an interesting, fully functioning, and mostly sane human being in spite of the not drinking bit (even though, honestly, i'd like to drink kind of a lot). still, that line of questioning is becoming tedious.

next time someone asks what it is that i do i'm going to say: heroin. because alcohol? that is so last year.

couch surfing

at my parents' house until saturday and i can have my room back. it's been two years since i've been here and it's strange to be back. the first thing i noticed: people here drive way too slowly. also: there is no coffee. like, anywhere. it hurts.

i'm all impressed with my parents being super nice to me and feeding me, so much that i'm probably not going to quit talking about it for a long time. i could get used to this. i just found the oatmeal cookies and hot chocolate so life is happy now; this after my mom made enchiladas for dinner and is making french toast for breakfast and i'll likely leave here several pounds heavier than when i arrived.

tomorrow after my french toast feast i get to sort through the mountains of stuff in the room that used to be mine but is now used for storage. stuff needs to be thrown out and garage sale'd so that my parents can eventually sell the house and move to a place that has coffee shops and where people don't habitually drive 10 miles under the speed limit.

i got more game than parker brothers, biatch.

so said one of my roommates tonight while he was kicking some goblin ass in his newest video game conquest. i was amused.

i miss playing video games and now have access to the xbox so conveniently located in the living room, but i'm afraid that being one with the xbox might derail me from school this summer. then again, maybe not. maybe i won't play for 10 hours a day. really, there's only one way to find out: i need a game. if anyone has any suggestions, i'm listening.

but before the gaming addiction begins: i'm being kicked out of my room for the next few days--dude whose room i'm sort of subletting is returning until sunday and then leaves again for a couple of weeks--and i'm either staying in my sister's room during that time or visiting my parents. my parents are a four-hour drive away. my sister, her room is a four-second walk away. when i think of it in those terms it sounds much easier to stay here than to drive across the state. but i promised to visit, and my mom promised to cook for me. not having to procure my own food sounds super nice. my mom promised me french toast. i should be all over that. but the laziness!

i'm pretty sure i want the official vacations from sarah to officially be over now, or at least for an end to be in sight. it is an interesting test to see how long people can go without talking to or emailing me and generally pretending i don't exist, but really i'm not sure i want to know how long this can go on. i have a feeling it could be indefinite. that makes me sad.

new addiction.

since the incontinent cat isn't going anywhere (away, i mean) any time soon, i bought a new litter box today and some arm & hammer kitty litter. because the second biggest kitty problem is that when he humors us by using the litter box, it's totally noticeable in a way that gives me a headache and makes me want to leave the house out of fear that, if i don't, i will seriously kill brain cells and harm any future, unborn children that i'll never have. sometimes i do leave and it completely offends my sister--the one with the pretty hair and no sense of smell. so. new kitty litter seems to be working well so far. good thing because my patience is wearing thin and i'm tired of pointing out that in some places people choose to eat cats instead of dealing with them. just sayin'. shannon is definitely showing some signs of being a cat lady in the future. she seems okay with that.

kate will be happy to hear that i have added a new addiction to my repertoire (yes, i have an addiction repertoire)--itunes! the evilest of all of apple's numerous, evil inventions. i give them my credit card number, they give me music, and everyone's happy until a month from now when i fully realize i've spent several hundred dollars on music. what makes up for the fact that i'm willingly draining my bank account is that i've discovered and rediscovered all kinds of good music that i'm focusing on putting on my ipod. tell me this counts as focusing, yes?

i have something to say to the writers of grey's anatomy, should they be reading this: it was completely unacceptable that YOU KILLED OFF DENNY even though tonight was the season finale and someone had to die (hello, callie?). denny was sweet and his new heart was FINE and then you killed him and it was clear when izzie wouldn't let go of his cold, dead body that she isn't going to recover from his death, like, ever. i was cheering for them even though he had just asked her to marry him and it was all kinds of romantic in a way that i kind of despised. but still. this during the same episode where you decided that meredith and mcdreamy's dog had to be put to sleep? the dog and denny were at least lovable. callie, not so much. she would have sufficed for the requisite cast member death, people, and since george doesn't love her anyway it's not like he would have cared. next time: don't kill the nice guy. and you'd better make it up to izzie. and me.

self pity & wallowing, etc.

the only time that it doesn't suck to be awake lately is between midnight and two or three in the morning, which is the only time of day i'm too tired to care that my life sucks. the downside is that i'm not sleeping enough. again. but at least i have a couple hours to look forward to in the middle of the night before i pass out from the sheer exhaustion of staying awake.

loki the demon cat peed on the stove this evening. shannon was supposed to take him to live at her boyfriend's apartment, but she's reneging on that promise since (she claims) his apartment is too nice for her cat to indiscriminately pee everywhere. i hope the cat doesn't run away because that? that would be so sad, especially if he never returned.

in the past three days, two separate people have decided that they don't want to see me for some unspecified amount of time because apparently i am the cause of much anguish. one i could handle, but two? ugh. my brain is pretty much refusing to process this information and has decided to go on strike, and honestly if i could just take a couple weeks off from me i'd so be on a sarah vacation with everyone else who can't deal with me. i really would.

good news: i fulfilled my civic obligation today by voting in the local election, and everything i was in favor of passed and everything i was against, well, was shot down. as it should be since i'm so obviously right about everything.

cheapening the blog experience one whiny post at a time.

pmsing again.

it's causing my gums to hurt, which is unfortunate since i went to the dentist this morning and they were all about inflicting pain yet again. the sonic cleaner thing they use works really well until they get to my wisdom teeth and the high-pitched frequency of the super sonicness becomes unbearably loud. dental hygienist woman was all, yeah, that's loud because i'm right near your ear canal. and i was like, so why don't you stop then since i keep wincing? and she was all, because i'm holding the sonic cleaner thing and you're not! and then the torture resumed. alas, my teeth are sparkly clean now.

i think my love affair with HGTV is over. because they're all about showing happy couples fixing up their houses, and i'm all about hating couples right now. even their commercials feature these sugary sweet happy people in home improvement stores and there's something about the fact that they're always, always wearing wedding rings that makes me want to scream. where are the home improvement project people who aren't married? like who are maybe just living together? sans stupid wedding rings? and are single people not allowed on HGTV? what gives?

/pms-inspired irrationality

una lista, sorta.

*loki has stopped relieving himself in front of my room and instead enjoys peeing all over shannon's clothes in her room. shannon is running out of ways to rationalize keeping the cat, much to everyone else's delight.

*27 days until summer classes start. normally i would be happy with this but oh my god that sounds like a long time when i'm otherwise needing to distract myself from, i don't know, myself.

*i'm thinking about getting a job, but given my limited definition of an acceptable job (based upon many years of bad, bad jobs), my only option right now appears to be whoring myself out. profitable and tempting though it may be, i'm not ready for that just yet.

*and the advantage of having 27 days of freedom and no job is that i can finish reading the four books i've been reading since forever: half asleep in frog pajamas, running with scissors, bait and switch, and the da vinci code (which i'm not impressed with so far even though everyone says it's excellent). i realized a few years ago that life is too short to read books i don't like, but can so many people be wrong about the da vinci code being a good book?

the kitty that lives up to his name.

my sister's cat, the male cat that completely despises male human beings perhaps because he had never seen a dude before my sister adopted him--we have evidence of that, at least--has decided that the entire house is his litter box. this means any square inch of surface that isn't actually the litter box is fair game, and all the better if those square inches are located in the hallway directly outside my room. it appears he is not happy about my presence. i thought that not being a guy means i wouldn't be targeted, but no. i think kitty is also unhappy that i won't let him in my room, so he leaves gifts outside my door and totally hopes i'll slip in them and perhaps die so he can sneak past my lifeless body and into my room to pee in my closet some more.

this cat is a vengeful evildoer. perhaps this is payback for shannon naming him loki.

david, our landlord, left a rather lengthy letter for shannon earlier this week outlining the unacceptableness of loki's behavior (this after the cat peed on the kitchen counter) and the consequences of future injustices, starting with her having to pay a fine and ending with loki being exiled. i was on my sister's side for a day or so since i didn't think he was that bad and the letter was a bit harsh. turns out loki was just getting warmed up and we hadn't yet seen what he's truly capable of.

yesterday kitty did unspeakable things on the hallway carpet--not once, but twice--and i was all helpful and sisterly and pointed out the vile products of his kitty transgressions to shannon before anyone noticed. then kitty upped the ante. this morning i was greeted with four separate and completely disgusting, um, incidences in the hallway. right in front of the litter box! the cat is obviously angry. i woke shannon so she could clean it up because, really, i draw the line at having to clean up someone else's cat's shit, even if the someone else is my sister. and she was all, omg! and i was like, yeah, the cat needs to go somewhere far, far away. i think she's beginning to understand that cat deviance is not a good thing and subjecting her roommates to cat torture is pretty unacceptable. the vet hasn't found anything physically wrong with him, which seems to indicate he's just psychotic and must be destroyed* before he finds a way to get into my room.

*i mostly mean his kitty will, not him literally.

sweet.

i am finally finally finished with classes and projects and papers this semester, which means that today i had time to do the one thing i've been talking about for weeks: veg in front of the tv. oh wait, wrong thing. i meant: move out of my house. i packed up my dirty laundry (because i don't have clean clothes anymore; lately there have been only varying degrees of dirtiness) along with some books and my beloved laptop and maybe my toothbrush--i got the essentials--and left. it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i assumed that as relieved as i am to leave, it would come pretty easily. and that throwing some belongings into a bag and putting them in my car wouldn't be so difficult. no, no. totally wrong about that. but i did it.

as hard as it was to leave my house--so many hours spent making it my own!--it is nice to be out, by myself and in a place that, interestingly, always has and still feels like home. it's freaking peaceful here. i can't get over that.

the room i've moved into is in a house owned by a friend of mine who rents out rooms to mostly college students. like my sister, for one. and alvin's cousin. usually the people living here aren't so related. now we're taking over the house, not unlike roaches.

i had forgotten how interesting this place can be. by interesting i mean in the past five hours we've had three near-crises. first with shannon's cat, the serial pee-er on-er of everyone else's things, then a wounded bird that's being given CPR or something in the next room after it fell out of a tree during a storm, and with my sister's boyfriend, who is stranded somewhere after being caught in a flash flood in said storm. bad storm. worse kitty.

so, aside from that it's peaceful. the cool part is i can lock myself in my room when it gets too hectic and i don't have to talk to anyone.

when my*space comes in handy.

mellowdrone: because i can't resist a hot-sounding guy who uses the word behooves in his lyrics. yum.

gogol bordello: like being at the circus, and as an added bonus they're a big proponent of my favorite color. i love love love.

moving out tomorrow.

i like that dooce likes shoes as much as the rest of us. and cute shoes that i'm totally digging, at that.

i'm locked in* the basement** of the social work school working on a paper and am not leaving until i'm done. i'm trying to ignore that a. i'm hungry and b. i'll eventually have to pee and c. there are vending machines 10 feet away but i don't have any money and a bathroom right past that but i don't want to leave my laptop all alone because it will get lonely. and perhaps some nice person will recognize this loneliness, pick it up and take it home with them, and i'll never see it again. that probably won't happen but it could.

i'm also trying to ignore that the semester is over at the end of this week, which is a mixed blessing because i'm almost done with all this stressful school work, but at the point that i have no classes to focus on i have a suspicion that everything that has sucked lately is going to suck that much more. there will be several weeks of vibrant technicolor suckage before summer classes start.

the upside: i'll have time to sleep. lots.

*ok, so perhaps i'm not technically locked in.
**there are windows with pretty views, so it's not quite as bleak as i make it sound.